She is not smiling. Her arms are down and her hands face me, palms
wide open. I see all of her deep openings and the rivers that have
woven through each wound and cracked place within her. Where the rivers
merge, a pool of light radiates from within her.
We face each other.
But
why won’t she smile at me? Am I not welcome? Does she not want to see
me in this space? Am I taking too long to become. Is she impatient with
my “hanging back” at the threshold? Are her palms open to push me
across?
I want her to welcome me. To approve of my presence.
To tell me I am good. That I made the right choices. To congratulate me
on my ambition and drive. I am waiting for her to smile at me. Her smile
will tell me all of those things.
She looks at me.
I
am skin. bone. vessels. and a fabric of sheer tissues in her presence.
Her gaze goes clear through my body to soul. She moves in closer to me.
I see her eyes open into mirrors. She exhales. I soften. I feel her
breath in my mouth.
And I realize, she is me.
She is
me, in our future. She is not smiling because she is waiting for me to
honor all of my wisdom, to defy every condition and bond that no longer
serves her, me, us. She is waiting for me to fully recognize the light
that I see in her, is my own.
She is my future and reflection.
I can stay hidden, small and stuck. I can stand here and hold on to all of my stuff. It’s heavy, yet so comfortable and known.
There is no way forward unless I put this shit down.
It
takes a while. One by one I let the things go. Her light allows me to
see in the dark as I fumble through all of the things. To surrender the
conditions I’ve been clinging to so long that I’ve mistaken them for
identity. To let go of ambition and ideas about “success.” Who am I
without this armor? Those definitions? That mask? That costume? That
belief?
This is not easy. Weightlessness is uncomfortable when you’ve carried yours and everybody else’s stuff so long.
I lift my feet to cross the threshold. She offers her hand as compass and guide. Then, she smiles.
The way forward is boundless, when I let go.
I am held.
-Empowered Wisdom Yoga Nidra Reflections

I am held.
Ready to find your center?
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